Yesterday we learned that our perception comes from past judgments that are reapplied as meaning. As Nisargadatta told the questioner in I Am That, Conversation #9:
The world you can perceive is a very small world indeed. And it is entirely private.
That’s because the world we each perceive is based on the filter of our individual mind.
Today’s reading says:
Now let’s talk about forgiveness. … Of themselves, the thoughts [in your mind] have no meaning. But based on past learning, learned through judgment, the thoughts seem to have meaning. And so you feel offended or hurt based on what you think you know.
Can you see how your brother has done nothing? Can you see how all meaning that has seemed to result in hurt has come from the filter of your mind?
Let’s look at an example:
Imagine that I am a modern day “super mom.” I am a professional woman with a son. After working all day, I come home and cook dinner, help my son with homework, bathe him and read him a bedtime story. He’s in bed by 8pm. That’s when I pull out my laptop computer and catch up on email. I typically work until my bedtime at 11pm.
On weekends, I buy groceries, clean house, do laundry and take my son to soccer games and piano lessons.
One day, a friend asks me to go to dinner and a movie with her on a Wednesday night. I explain that I can’t, and I tell her everything I have to do each night. She says, “Who are you trying to impress?” I notice a flash of anger, and I snap back, “No one! It just is as it is!”
Fortunately, I notice my upset. That night, after my son is in bed, I skip email, and I journal about my upset with my friend.
Why did I get angry at Jill? Because she implied that my whole life is a farce set up to impress someone.
Did she really say that or is that how I interpreted it? I don’t know for sure why she said what she said. She might have felt rejected and was acting out. My interpretation of her comment is my interpretation of her comment.
Why does the idea that my life ‘is a farce set up to impress someone’ upset me? Because I think there’s a truth there. I think I am trying to impress someone.
Who are you trying to impress? Everyone? No, not really everyone. I am trying to impress everyone, but the real reason I want to impress them is to impress me. If I believe they are impressed, then I can feel good about myself.
So, why is your life so busy? Because I am trying to deny my own belief that I am unworthy by hiding that belief under all of the great things I do.
When this journaling is complete, I see that Jill didn’t hurt me. I was hurt, because of ideas in my mind.
As NTI says:
And then, forgiveness is taking this realization one step further by acknowledging you do not want to be hurt anymore. You acknowledge that the meaning that has hurt you is within the mind. You are the owner or believer in that meaning, and so you are also the one that can let go of any meaning you have applied.
Thoughts of Awakening # 82
O Holy Brother of Mine,
As you come to look upon the ego,
you may at first experience great pain.
Embrace the pain, Holy One.
It is a gift come to awaken you.
Continue to ask to look and see,
that you may see the blindness you have made.
In seeing it, you tire of it.
And you will choose to want it no more.
~From our Holy Spirit
