Meta Tag: What are the roots of our suffering, and what happens when we’re willing to dig them up?
For most of our lives, we believe that the causes of suffering are outside of ourselves. To us, bad circumstances = suffering. Starting from the time we are young, this is how it appears to be. A friend calls us a mean name and causes our suffering. We fail to get the job we want which causes our suffering. We recognize the toxicity of an important relationship and believe this person has caused our suffering. Indeed, this is how I experienced suffering for the majority of my life—that is, until I became aware of fundamental suffering, or the roots of our pain.
What Is Fundamental Suffering?
When we take a closer look at our suffering, we might notice something funny going on—we’re confused about what actually causes our pain. The true causes of our suffering are not within the experience itself. Rather, suffering originates within us.
This is not to discount our perspective that others have hurt us. Indeed, there are many situations where removing ourselves from the harmful behavior of others is the right action. It is only to say that our experience of suffering is coming from our own mind (or ego). But if we explore even deeper than that, we can see that fundamental suffering—or the suffering that exists in all things—is really coming from three primary, overlapping experiences.
Here is how I would describe the experiences that cause fundamental suffering:
Aversion or Unsatisfactoriness
We experience aversion constantly: I don’t want this outcome. I don’t want this experience. I don’t want this emotion. Aversion touches even the most minute actions, thoughts, or sensations. My hands are slightly too cold. I should have used this word instead of that word. I’m just so tired of thinking. All of this is aversion, and it is one of the roots of suffering. I now see that there is no circumstance that can make me happy because aversion is dissatisfied with everything.
Example: I’m in the most beautiful place watching a beautiful sunset and I get bit by a mosquito. Aversion focuses on the mosquito bite.
Attachment or Wanting
Attachment is just the opposite: I want this outcome. I want this object. I want this experience. I need a bit more money to be happy. If she would just listen to me, I’d feel like I matter. If he only understood me, we’d get along. We are attached to what we perceive to be good because we think it will produce happiness. But when we watch our experiences carefully, we see that these things don’t actually produce happiness. I now see that suffering is not in the circumstances themselves; it’s in the wanting, clinging, and attachment to particular circumstances.
Example: I’m joyfully singing along to a song, and my husband asks me to quiet down so he can hear the TV. I burst into tears. I witness the joy disintegrate into nothing, and I want it back.
Self-Concept or Identity
The self-concept overlaps with the other two kinds of suffering, but it’s helpful to notice it in its own right: I am this. I am that. If I tell myself that I am a nice person, I’d feel valid. If I believe that I am a soul, I’d feel less lonely. If I do what everyone wants me to do, I’d feel approved of. But no matter how we conceive of ourselves, we can never find the love or wholeness we’re seeking because love doesn’t live in concepts. We suffer as we try to mold the self into something that would get the love it seeks.
Example: My editor tells me my article is really good. My self-concept immediately claims it: “I’m a good writer”. I don’t realize I’ve identified with it until later when my editor tells me my article needs improvement. I suffer because this threatens the self-concept I have of being a “good writer.”
When Everything Appears As Suffering
When we begin to perceive the fundamental suffering inherent in our entire reality, we might feel depressed, lonely, empty, or unmotivated. So much of our lives were motivated by the desire to alleviate suffering. When we are no longer trying to avoid aversion, seek attachment, and create a self-concept, we can have a hard time figuring out what to do with our time.
For about a year now, I’ve been mulling about in a world that appears to be made entirely of fundamental suffering. Sometimes, it’s all I see. But every time I notice myself getting hooked on suffering, I apply concentrated awareness to gently release myself from its grasp. And over time, the pain has lessened. My ego no longer throws massive tantrums and bursts into tears. Now, it just broods quietly in the corner.
The Antidote To Suffering
Each moment of concentrated awareness placed on suffering is painful for the separate self (or ego), but luckily, the separate self becomes less and less of who we are. If we keep at it, the truth of suffering becomes more apparent, and eventually, it starts to become transparent.
It’s almost like suffering is a monster under our bed. If we just turn the lights on and look, we see that it was all in our heads—just a figment of our imagination. And now instead of seeing the monster, we see what was in the monster’s shadow: love. Life—when experienced without aversion, without attachment, and without self-inflation—is love.
I’m just beginning to see the love that exists beyond suffering. Behind aversion is acceptance. Behind attachment is openness. Behind the separate self is unity. I have known these polarities intellectually, but by experiencing suffering in all sense objects, it is becoming increasingly clear that, for me at least, love is the answer. By embracing suffering fully I now see that love is the only worthwhile way to spend my time. Everything else seems meaningless.
So if you’re still trapped in suffering—whether at the experience level or the fundamental level—try to remember that suffering presents an opportunity to finally understand the roots of your pain. And if you’re willing to dig up the roots, something amazing can grow: Love.
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