“Never underestimate your power to change yourself.
Never overestimate your power to change others.” ~Wayne Dyer
Recently I came to my threshold of anger. These times have been intense for many people during the Coronavirus pandemic, with many people being out of work and with having to stay home for much of the time without engaging in our usual social activities. For some, the protests for equal rights have taken its toll, with curfews, riots and protests. I was already dealing with anger that I hadn’t healed or really been looking at. It was slowly rising up to the surface more and more each day. I live alone (with my cat) and so the isolation; the lack of human contact and real communication may have been getting to me. Watching my friends get tear gassed and shot with rubber bullets on Facebook live was also getting to me. I was recognizing more and more, my passion to find justice for people, specifically people of color in our communities who had been assaulted or killed. I have been working on a case for two years for my friend, who was assaulted at Union Station in Denver because he is black.
On a recent night, all the emotions had come to a head in a conversation with my neighbors in which I realized, in my perception that they were all racists. I was livid. I expressed myself in a social networking forum not intending that they would see it but they did. This caused a huge lashing out. I was called names and told to move out of my apartment, even though they don’t have that authority. I basically was told I was not welcome in my home. I felt broken; no longer angry, but just dead inside. It was time for a change. I looked at my declining health, my chronic high blood pressure, my anger, anxiety, constant tension in my body and overall feeling of fatigue. My thinking needed to change. It wasn’t working anymore. I had lost touch with wisdom which once carried me out of these difficult situations or helped me through them.
This is when I faced my anger. I decided to reach out to friends and ask for resources. There were about sixty suggestions including YouTube videos, Books, links and most of which I already owned, knew about and studied before. Oh how easy it is to forget. I was informed of a Choose Again meeting online as well as Byron Katie meetings which I immersed myself in. Lessons from A Course in Miracles came rushing back in. I had surrendered and found that everything I needed, I already had at my fingertips.
I felt lucky on the first day of my “re-awakening” journey to be chosen to do the Choose Again method in the meeting I was invited to. I was reminded of a memory when I first felt angry and the beliefs I had about myself at the time. I believed I was forgotten, abandoned and unsafe. The process led me through these beliefs to realize that they are not true, but I had believed these things so long that I forget that. A woman in the group gave me feedback saying “If I am triggered by something, it is about me.” I can see that anger is a kind of defense mechanism against these beliefs and that if I want peace, I must take responsibility for my feelings and the thoughts from which they stem.
I contemplated for some time on my actions over the previous weeks and how much I was expressing my anger online to people, some of who were total strangers, but also to my friends, family and neighbors. I had seen that in my passion for justice, the purpose was lost. It became more about the argument and getting people to understand than actually working constructively to fix the problems. Mawlana Nazim, a Sufi Shaykh says “When a person gets angry, this is a form of pride. They are saying, ‘I am better than you.’ They are looking at the other person, proudly saying, ‘They are no good, but I am good – I have the right to be angry in this situation.’ We have no right to be angry with any other person on earth. Control of anger comes from our level of humbleness.” So again I see my anger as a defense mechanism. The need to be right shows my need to validate my existence and that I am safe and not forgotten or abandoned.
I do more contemplation and still feel that desire to fight in me. The feeling of being attacked enabled some tendency to have to fight back. The Tao Te Ching says “A good fighter is not angry ….To embrace all things means first that one holds no anger or resistance toward any idea or thing, living or dead, formed or formless. Acceptance is the very essence of the Tao. Every departure from the Tao contaminates one’s spirit. Anger is a departure, resistance a departure, self- absorption a departure.” I see that when I am angry, I am blinded to everything else. Fighting is resistance, a pushing away. My heart is pumping, my breathing is heavy and all I can see is this idea I have made in front of me that is not true. I have left the truth. I have left peace.
What can I do then when I feel triggered? I have joined in on some Byron Katie zoom sessions and had some good takeaways. Byron said “Their words are medicine if you are really listening.” If I really want to grow and learn, I will see that these triggers are only teachers to show me my own unhealed trauma, pain and suffering; the beliefs I have held onto about myself. I think about my neighbors in particular and how uncomfortable it is now to live next to them and how I still feel uneasy around them. Byron says “You would believe this about anyone because it works so good for the ego.” I start to see that it doesn’t matter what the situation is that I am fighting for or who it is that I am fighting, all that matters is that the ego can be seen.
More contemplation reveals memories in my past when I was in middle school and high school and saw people get beat up and didn’t do anything because I felt helpless. The guilt I felt on top of the powerlessness I felt, never left me. This is part of where my relentless desire for justice comes from. I want to help now, I want do something. This is fine, if I find the right way to help instead of just being angry. Now that I have identified the source of my anger and can go deeper into the reasoning, I can channel it into the purpose and find constructive ways to improve the situations I am passionate about.
My anger comes from a very deep need to feel loved, protected and safe. When I see that another is not being loved or protected or safe, I am triggered. It is okay to be angry. Mark Oshiro wrote Anger is a Gift which is a story of resilience, loss, vulnerability and a fight for injustice. It shows how it is a motivator for change. If I choose to “soften instead of suffer,” I can see the beauty in what anger offers us and how it comes up to bring about positive changes if we can learn to channel it in effective ways. If it weren’t for my anger I would never have come to a breaking point and had to re-evaluate myself and be reminded of the truth that I am. Stillness has helped me. Silence has helped me. Contemplation has helped me. Exercise has helped me. Moving the body and getting energy moving and up and out is a great relief. I realized (again) that it is not my job to change the way people think or to “get them to understand,” also, that nobody has to be wrong. I don’t have to find fault or place blame, I can allow people to be as they are, while also working on my path to make changes in the systems that would help people, rather than harm them.
The most important thing I can take away from these last few days is that I always have a choice. I can choose between a grievance and a miracle. I can choose to remember the truth of who I am. I can reach out to others and receive tremendous help back. I can face my anger instead of numbing it, suppressing it or denying it. I am still on a very vigilant path towards healing trauma I have not dealt with, but I hope that this recent short journey can be of some help to someone else who is experiencing anger themselves.
With Love,
Maile Nahulu
P.S. The picture of the flower is a Plumeria from Hawaii that I have been growing for two years that just had its first bloom. Patience is key as well as consistent care for finally watching it bloom. I felt this was a good symbol for this lesson.
