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1405.
this is reflection to Regina's contemplation.
Regina. !!-!! Yesterday, I felt offended. It's been a long time since I've felt offended, years in fact. But yesterday that feeling came again. Here's what I did: Calmly, I told the person that I felt offended. I'm not sure I needed to do that, but I did. And then I walked away, found a place to sit, and felt the rush of feelings that arose in me. There were also thoughts, ridiculous thoughts that I can't remember now, but they had the flavor of revenge.
"If she can hurt me, I can hurt her.”
"If she can snub me, I can snub her." And more of that sort of thing.
I looked directly at each thought, saw the energy of each one, and decided I did not want that thought. After a while, a joyous feeling came over me. I knew it was time to put this behind me by apologizing to this person.
I apologized for what I had done, which had upset her. I agreed to submit to her wishes, wishes that had offended me earlier. She listened, but then it became clear that she did not accept my apology.
How am I with that? The answer is easy for me now. I don't want to flounder. I want to be reliable. And I don't want to be reliable as the selfish, self-centered personality-mind. I want to be reliable as the true Self.
Me:That was exactly how I felt with my daughter a few weeks ago. I apologized to her but she did not receive my apology. I need to meditate on this again. !!-!!
1406.
Regina. Although she did not accept my apology, I am keeping my commitment to submit to her wishes. By doing that, I am letting go of a big part of who I am as a person; it's almost the totality of what is left for me to stand on as a person. I suppose that's why her demands offended me at first. I know that is why I chose to submit to them. Some people would say her demands are ridiculous. They would say she has no consideration for who I am. Or maybe they wouldn't. Who knows what others would say?But the wise one will let go of the foundation the person stands on. So, I let go here. And the foundation cracks and crumbles beneath who I pretend to be. There is some sadness. I was attached to that part of “me." !!-!!
1407.
Regina. What is pleasure? Pleasure is that which is satisfying to the conditioned program. Am I the conditioned program?
This is a very important question. What am I? Am I the conditioned program that has developed in the brain during this lifetime?
Did I exist before the program existed? If so, then I cannot be the program. What am I? !!-!!
1408. !!-!! The fullness of perfection begins with the effectiveness of self-discipline or the abandonment of the pursuit of pleasure.
Regina. !!-!! I don't want to flounder . I want to be reliable. And I don't want to be reliable as conditioning because I am not conditioning. I want to be reliable as my Self.
Knowing what I want, I choose to live that fully. I can live my Self fully because that is what I am. To live as my Self, I merely need to ignore the voice and promptings of the program. That voice may say "I," but that voice is not I. !!-!!
Me: That Regina’s resolution about letting go of her situation with the person who originally offended her and did not get her apology is so important to me. She is letting go of a big peace of her self - person, programed as ‘her’, and conditioned as established into that belief as her. She recognized that it was a program running as her image, that image needed to be protected no matter what, and she realized it was not her. And she realized that she needed to stay simply reliable as Self, be rooted in that self. And as result comply with the unforgiving person in hers 'demand of' Regina without sacrificing the Self who she is. This is really ‘loving everything as is.’ and it is not the easy one.
Regina. !!-!! #1425 Right now, I am experiencing a trigger. The source of the trigger seems to be people making up their own rules and not following the established ones. I, the knower, am the one aware of this breach. They, the known, are the ones breaking the rules. The rules are the knowledge. What if there was no knowledge? Could there be upset? No. What if there was no known? Could there be upset? No. What if there was no knower? Could there be upset?Absolutely not. No knower is the supreme reality. The supreme reality is beyond consciousness. This is the truth.
Regina's contemplation is just a hammer hitting the nail. During my last short visit to my daughter with the baby showed me exactly that. This young family is all about tight control of themself and their baby and all that surrounding them. They tried to squeeze their control on me. And they did it very ruff. It did trigger my persona with those old songs feeling unwelcome, not loved, not appreciated.
I am sitting with those feelings for a few weeks.
The storm seems to be easing in my persona. I can do deep meditation again. I am so sorry that this lovely couple decided to totally screw their control screws on themselves and their family. they are suffering. Reality does not obey anything. They are tired all the time. It seems so unnatural. But it is their choice. and it is what it is.
I stepped back. I do not know how it will be. I do pray that they will lighten up. I am not playing their games. I love them. I love their huge effort to be perfect and to achieve their goal. But this is not love.
Regina. #1433 - #1436
Regina’s contemplations on the last steps of awakening become a clear guidance. I see fears of a person which resonate with me, I dearly appreciate her openness of what is happening in her mind in this process. Her open honesty in her discoveries call me to where she is pointing. The existence becomes centered into practice. And the trust that it will bring me to what I want is getting stronger than the desire to look out. The mind is quiet most of the time. The inquiry is always present. The tools Regina taught us are slowly clearing up the mass of attachments and addictions. I am so grateful for this presence or bieng “Regina” for her consistent call to truth. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
1490. !!-!! The all-important word is ‘try.' Allot ( to assign as a share or portion) enough time daily for sitting quietly and trying, just trying to go beyond the personality.
Let attention be focused on your presence. And follow what it leads you to do. See what triggers you to get out of the present moment. Sit with this “storm” of your willingness to get through it.
Notice how easy and deep meditation goes in the morning. In the afternoon there is a lot of thinking about what has been happening lately, interrupting meditation. In the evening meditation sometimes is not happening, and sometimes it goes deep. Let it all take its time and devotion.
Regina. !!-!! #1492 .Coming to know yourself is the most important thing you can do in this Lifetime. ❤️
1493.
This is speaking to me really loud. It sounds that I have too much attachment to being the person that I see myself as I am. And now it is the urgent need to free myself from this indulging in intense feelings of self-identification with a bundle of memories and habits. This steady resistance to drop the unnecessary attachment to self identification is the secret of success. There is a huge resistance in me to drop the identification with my memories and habits as being a caring mother for my kids, who do not see me as that image. I was really struggling to raise them by myself, It was a hard time for me, and I was tough to survive that time. It was a time when I did not feel love and support from anybody, actually it was not true, my mom was always next to me and she was loving me, but it seemed not enough to be happy then. It was a time of surviving. And all that suffering left as memories and habits. It also bounced back to me as my kids did not appreciate me as I was for them.
Those memories and habits are not me, and I can drop this self-identification with them.
Regina said in her contemplation:”That one is willing to make an effort to change the habit of identifying with thought, experience, emotions, and body. You can discover if you are happy to be the person or if you are no longer happy to be the person by noticing if you are willing to make consistent effort to awaken from identification with the person. If you make consistent effort to awaken from personal identification, you will realize the true Self. One who sincerely tries succeeds. If you are not making consistent effort to awaken from personal identification, you are successful at remaining with the familiar; you are successful at staying with the habits that keep you believing you are a limited, separated biological being. Either way, success is guaranteed.“
1494.!!-!! Maharaj: You may know all the right words, quote the scriptures, be brilliant in your discussions and yet remain a bag of bones. Or you may be inconspicuous and humble, an insignificant person altogether, yet glowing with loving kindness and deep wisdom.
that is so clear!
1496.
It is true that it is hard to fight old habits. It seems sometimes impossible to change them. But the devotion to do that and some evident changes in what is happening over the years helps a lot.