Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of stress both at work and at home. It seems as if I’ve collected more and more responsibilities over the years and the fear that I might “drop the ball” has become very real to me. Last Sunday, obeying a sudden urge to get away, I left my house and decided to drive over to Chipotles and eat lunch alone. After I bought my food and sat down, I looked out the window and saw a crowd of people crossing a busy intersection. While watching them I managed to still my mind for a few minutes. The thought, “none of this matters, not really” popped into my head, followed by, “I need to just allow everything to happen of its own accord. The world will not end because I decide I don’t need to try and direct everything any more.”
It became clear to me that these “problems” I’m always mulling over only serve to perpetuate the illusion that I have control over my individual life which is separate from everyone and everything else. Soon the idea, “I’ve never been good at delegating,” crossed my mind. I consequently asked myself, “Why do I find it so difficult to delegate?” I realized it’s because I honestly believed nobody could perform the task at hand as efficiently as I can.
It occurred to me that I am also avoiding delegating my responsibilities to the Holy Spirit, and that is why I feel so stressed out. Evidently, I don’t have enough trust in or patience for Spirit to take care of things. How foolish is that? Especially since I can’t think of one instance when the Holy Spirit has let me down. There have been many times for instance, when I begin to have doubts about the path I’m taking in life. Things that I usually enjoy doing, like writing or teaching, suddenly cause me anxiety. I experience writer’s block and begin believing that I’m really not helping anybody with what I’m doing, including myself. However, every single time that I’ve felt like this, usually within a day or two the words will come, presumably out of nowhere. I’ll also receive an email, phone call or Facebook message from somebody letting me know I’m on the right track. It’s as if Spirit is telling me, “Stop all your doubting silly girl! This is what you are supposed to be doing, let me get this for you.”
After arriving at this understanding, I felt much calmer, peaceful even. I finished my lunch, went home and decided that “delegate” will be my new mantra for the week.