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Reflections About Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief

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Reflections from the Retreat House
by Isadora Karcher


When I received the notice that there was to be a retreat around the subject of releasing the sense of guilt, unworthiness, or the idea that “I am bad”, I was struck immediately that I HAD to go to this. And thank goodness I listened to this guidance because it was the most profound, helpful workshop I have ever attended, and believe me, I have attended a few over the years! I brought home a ton of notes, a definite deepening of teachings already somewhat in place, and at least one “aha” that cemented into my consciousness some very important news!

I think there were at least two factors at play as to why this workshop rang my chimes the way that it did. For one thing, Regina teaches and articulates from a clearness and “no bs” stance that is so refreshing. Not only does she have a huge library of information stored in her brain and heart, but she presents information with examples, humor, love, and the benefit of having “been there, done that”. I loved the down-to-earth feeling of the retreat…just no pretentiousness, no bs, and lots of friendship.

Also, I was so ready, so very ready, to be well on my way with being done with guilt! (How does that saying go, something about when a student is ready a teacher will appear?) I had gone through what my mentor called a “light infusion” last fall, and I enjoyed several months of being free of guilt, and then it started creeping back in, aaaaaargh! So perhaps you can understand why I jumped on this retreat!

Let me try to summarize the important things I brought home from La Veta.

The biggest “aha” was so simple, but isn’t that the way they usually go? The group was covering the ways we felt guilty, and one of the participants said that she felt like she was boring at a group dinner because she had not spoken much. And the answer from Regina was so simple, but impacted me very deeply; “If God had wanted you to speak God would have put words put in your mouth” . Wow. I mean, I have had such a hard time getting that God and I are one, and what I am doing and saying is what the Creator is doing and saying. Boy, does this fly in the face of what I have been taught, growing up in a country that is largely Christian, and believing that God is good and that I am bad. Wow. Also, learning that love is behind the motivation of ego was huge as well. For a long time I have sought for ways to NOT make ego into the bad guy, and bingo, this was the answer!

I think the other big takeaways are the technique of “neutral narrative” and learning where the ” I am bad” belief comes from. The neutral narrative is where one simply recounts the triggering event from neutral wording, no feelings or evaluations, just a statement of what happened. I got to use this technique even before I left the retreat house around a miscommunication, and it works like a charm! Also, it is so helpful to learn how we build the “I am bad belief.” We do this by:

1. Judging ourselves and others
2. Defending ourselves
3. Judging/attacking others
4. Lying to self/others
5. Wanting the situation to be different than it is
6. Justifying yourself
7. Believing the concrete “proof” that I am bad

Oh goodness, I could go on for forever. I have transcribed my notes, if anyone would like a copy of them I would be delighted to send them to you, just shoot me an email at thesweetnow@cruzio.com and I will get right with you! But I HIGHLY recommend attending this workshop the next time it is offered, it is the bomb. And let’s not forget one detail, the food is to die for, Shiryl is an amazing cook!

Note: Isadora attend the “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief” Retreat at the Awakening Together Retreat House in August 2019. Since attending the retreat, she has decided to move to La Veta. We look forward to embracing Isadora as one of our new La Veta neighbors when she arrives in October.

Gentle Healing Year 3 ~ Daily Contemplation #206

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Please read and contemplate quotes #677-679 in The Seven Steps to Awakening with your inner teacher. Here is the last quote:

Mind is like a forest with thought-forms for its trees and cravings for its creepers: by destroying these, I attain bliss.

Note: The next Daily Contemplation will be available tomorrow morning after 2am ET at this link.

Gentle Healing Year 1 ~ Lesson 191

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Lesson 191. I am the holy Son of God Himself.

Our current goals:

  • Widen the horizons of our vision
  • Take direct approaches to uncover the blocks that keep our vision narrow
  • Lift those blocks, however briefly, in order to experience the sense of liberation that comes when the blocks are removed
  • Intensify our motivation for freedom

We have spent several days focusing on awareness-life-presence. Awareness-life-presence is our essence. It is the essence of all things.

Today’s lesson asks us to take one step beyond focusing on awareness-life-presence. It asks us to claim awareness-life-presence as our identity. We are to claim our essence as what we are.

The lesson tells us that the cause of all problems is the denial of our true identity. In other words, the cause of all problems is identifying with thought. You can see that’s true, if you want to. Look back at your memory. Every time you have acted mean or unjust with another person, it was because you identified with the thoughts that were in your mind at the time. If the thoughts said, “She’s lying to me,” you reacted as if your friend was a liar. Etcetera.

Because identifying with thought is the cause of all problems, identifying with awareness-life-presence is the answer to all problems.

How do you know if you are identified with thought or awareness-life-presence?

You know which you are identified with by how you give attention and how you act.

Today’s lesson calls identifying with thought “a game you play in which Identity can be denied.” And then it says, “You play the game of death, of being helpless, pitifully tied to dissolution in a world which shows no mercy to you. Yet when you accord it mercy, will its mercy shine on you.”

The last line of that paragraph reminds me of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The highest interpretation of that rule is to live from your identity as awareness-life-presence. Or, as we said in lesson 187, be enlightened now.

There is a big difference in the way identification with thought acts and the way identification with awareness-life-presence acts. For example, let’s imagine that a friend asks me a question, and I answer truthfully, but my answer isn’t what she believes. She becomes angry and says, “You are a liar!”

At this point, defense thoughts are likely to be triggered in my mind. If I am identified with thought, I will say whatever the defense thoughts are telling me to say. If I am identified with awareness-life-presence, I will silently watch the show of defense that is happening in the mind, but I will remain in my seat as the watcher. Those words will not pass my lips. I also will not give them the energy of belief and agreement. I will stay seated within as watcher, merely observing and waiting for this temporary energy to pass.

The lesson says, “Look about the world, and see the suffering there. Is not your heart willing to bring your weary brothers to rest?” The lesson could also ask, “Are you ready to rest? Are you ready for the peace of God?”

Focusing on awareness-life-presence is an important first step, but we fall short of living our truth if we continue to speak and act from identification with thought. It is time to go beyond simply focusing on essence. It is time to live from it. Live as it. Living as awareness-life-presence is embracing truth and accepting it as what we are.

This Sunday in the Sanctuary ~ September 1, 2019

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Join us at 10:15 am ET/ 7:15 am PT for our Weekly Gathering with Rev. Jay McCormick

Rev. Jay McCormick will speak on the topic: Living Life as a River

Life always presents situations that are not predictable, and seem to be directly placed in the path of the flow of our life.  We have a choice to continue the continuity of our peace, moving in the new direction presented, or hold on to our past expectations and experience turbulence.  We can learn to move like water throughout life, easily around all the rocks in the path of the the life.  It is our choice if we want to see a block or a just be in the moment and experience peace.

Reading:  NTI Chapter 4 (pp 219-222)

Reader: Susan Bacon

*Weekly gathering is held every Sunday morning at 10:15 am ET/7:15 am PT in the Awakening Together Sanctuary. Join us after the Gathering for our Fellowship Time, hosted by Kate Brennan.

 

Regina Dawn Akers Outside

Join us at 7:00 pm ET/ 4:00 pm PT for The Guiding Light with Rev. Regina Dawn Akers

Regina Dawn Akers reads selections from books by Bernadette Roberts. The purpose of this inspired book study is to learn from one who walked through the final doorway to no self, no world, no God–Only Reality.

 

 

Join us at 9:00 pm ET/ 6:00 pm PT for Fully Human Fully Divine Satsang with Craig Holliday

Craig Holliday continues his examination of what it means to be both free and human.

Gentle Healing Year 3 ~ Daily Contemplation #205

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Please read and contemplate quotes #673-676 in The Seven Steps to Awakening with your inner teacher. Here is the last quote:

It is only a fool that entertains a feeling “This I am” in relation to that temporary appearance known as the body etc.

Note: The next Daily Contemplation will be available tomorrow morning after 2am ET at this link.

Gentle Healing Year 1 ~ Lesson 190

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Lesson 190. I choose the joy of God instead of pain.

Our current goals:

  • Widen the horizons of our vision
  • Take direct approaches to uncover the blocks that keep our vision narrow
  • Lift those blocks, however briefly, in order to experience the sense of liberation that comes when the blocks are removed
  • Intensify our motivation for freedom

I feel like I am whispering a great secret that most of the world does not want to know, a secret for which I can be slain, when I say:

You do not have to suffer.

There have been several times when friends were suffering, and I tried to help by letting them know they could let go of the idea that caused their suffering. Each time my friends have retaliated with attack. It was as if I was attacking them when I let them know how easy it is to be free of suffering, and so they attacked back.

I suppose I was attacking them. I was attacking their attachment to suffering without realizing how much they still wanted it. It was like trying to take a worn out stuffed animal from a child before the child is ready to give it up.

You may think you don’t love suffering, but are you sure you’re right? The best way to find out is to answer this question for yourself: Do you suffer over anything ever? If the answer is ‘yes,’ then you are still clinging to that worn out toy.

Just like everyone else, I used to believe that suffering was the natural outcome of certain circumstances. Gradually I let go of that idea. The final stronghold for me was the belief that I had to suffer because of extreme physical pain. I came to see even that is not true. All suffering is caused by thought that we choose to believe, and there isn’t another cause of suffering at all.

Each time I pointed out to friends that they could let go of suffering, and they became angry with me, they always indicated that their form of suffering was special. Thiers was the special circumstance that validated suffering. This is a clue that points to a thought in the mind, a thought that this lesson is helping to uncover. The idea is that suffering is more real than God (than truth).

That belief is in your mind if you suffer. I know, because I uncovered it in my own mind. The ego clings to that idea, because that idea protects the ego thought system. It seems to confirm that the ego thought system is truth, and the teachings about truth are merely idle fantasy. The worn out toy that you cling to when you suffer is the false self.

Here are a few things that today’s lesson says about the choice to suffer:

  • “Pain is a wrong perspective.”
  • “Pain is but witness to the Son’s mistakes in what he thinks he is.
  • “Pain is a sign illusions reign in place of truth.”
  • “It is your thoughts alone that cause pain.”
  • “There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression.”
  • “No one but yourself affects you.”
  • “The world may seem to cause you pain. And yet the world, as causeless, has no power to cause. As an effect, it cannot make effects. As an illusion, it is what you wish.”
  • “Pain is the ransom you have gladly paid not to be free.”
  • “Pain is illusion; joy is reality.”
  • “Pain is deception; joy alone is truth.”

The attachment to suffering is a deeply held attachment. This is why my friends felt attacked when I pointed out they did not have to suffer. If you’d like to be free of that attachment, here’s what you can do:

When you suffer, look to see if you can see your choice to suffer. The choice could be a very simple decision. It could be as simple as the decision, “I can not be happy with this.” Look for what you believe must be different.

As you look for your choice to suffer, you may find several little things that you can change your mind about when you see them. For example, you might be able to quickly let go of the idea that you have to suffer if it’s too hot, or if the husband is late to dinner, or if there is traffic on the highway, etcetera. Each little change of mind is important, because you are reversing the decision to cling to suffering.

Either now or eventually, you will come to the choice to suffer itself. This will appear as a belief, something that you took as absolutely true. It may feel impossible to let go of it when you see it. My recommendation is that you acknowledge it as a belief rather than a truth, and give your willingness for it to be healed. Let grace take care of the rest.

In other words, demonstrate your willingness to let go of the belief in suffering by changing your mind with the little things, and give your willingness with the apparent bigger things. This is how the attachment to suffering will be undone.

If you’d like to hear the story about how the attachment to suffering was finally undone for Regina, you can listen to this audio.

Letting go of the attachment to suffering is not a little thing. It is letting go of a critical defense in the ego thought system.

Gentle Healing Year 3 ~ Daily Contemplation #204

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Please read and contemplate quotes #671-672 in The Seven Steps to Awakening with your inner teacher. Here is the last quote:

In the absence of Self-knowledge, there arose ego-sense: but now, I am free of ego-sense.

Note: The next Daily Contemplation will be available tomorrow morning after 2am ET at this link.

Gentle Healing Year 1 ~ Lesson 189

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Lesson 189. I feel the Love of God within me now.

Our current goals:

  • Widen the horizons of our vision
  • Take direct approaches to uncover the blocks that keep our vision narrow
  • Lift those blocks, however briefly, in order to experience the sense of liberation that comes when the blocks are removed
  • Intensify our motivation for freedom

Yesterday’s Course lesson told us, “Sit quietly and close your eyes. The light within you is sufficient. It alone has the power to give the gift of sight to you. Exclude the outer world, and let your thoughts fly to the peace within.”

Today’s lesson gives us more specific instructions:

“Simply do this: Be still, and lay aside all thoughts of what you are and what God is; all concepts you have learned about the world; all images you hold about yourself. Empty your mind of everything it thinks is either true or false, or good or bad, of every thought it judges worthy, and all the ideas of which it is ashamed. Hold onto nothing. Do not bring with you one thought the past has taught, nor one belief you ever learned before from anything. Forget this world, forget this course, and come with wholly empty hands unto your God.”

Our job is to let go of “all obstacles that you have interposed between the Son and God the Father … And with this choice we rest.” That’s it. Nothing more. The Course calls this “simplicity.”

The Course is clear that we remove the obstacles, we rest in awareness-watching-awareness, and “do not make demands, nor point the road to God by which He should appear to you. The way to reach Him is merely to let Him be. For in that way is your reality proclaimed as well.”

Our thoughts are blocks to our awareness of what we are. You cannot hold onto ideas about what you are—necessarily, ideas about what this one you think you are can and cannot do—and know the truth of being. You have heard it said “Ye are gods.” This is a true statement of our nature. Thus, it must carry with it the understanding that as such, we have no limits.

Why do we insist on claiming limits for ourselves? We enjoy kicking this idea around as theory, but our fear keeps us from seriously embracing the truth of the statement. As gods, we are responsible for what we see—who could keep your heart’s desire from you?

When we are asked to “be enlightened now,” our clinging to our habitual conceptions of ourselves twists that directive into a milquetoast entreaty along the lines of “do the best you can.” We are not humans trying to be a better humans. We are gods pretending to be human.

What this paragraph does is invite us—the prodigal son—to return home. Note that in the story of the prodigal son, no one came bounding in to save him from the life he had chosen. It was by his own choice that he returned.

We are made slave by choosing our own mantel. This lesson entreats us to throw off the mantel—acknowledge we have chosen confusion and renounce it. Acknowledge we are confused about who we are, who God is, what is good, what is bad; acknowledge that we cannot reason our way back to sanity or understanding.

The only way back home is to simply offer ourselves unto God (Truth) and ask to be shown our truth. We do this by resting in the silence—not just during sitting meditation, but during our day, in the face of the proffered answers of the thinking mind, despite our confusion about who we think we are or how we think the world works. Turning to these tactics keeps us wrapped in confusion.

We are not being asked to sit in the corner of the room and do nothing. We are being asked to ask our hearts for guidance–ask as if we were little children, who really don’t know. We don’t know what we are, what we should say or do, or what is in our own best interests. This lesson is just reminding us that we need to quit pretending that we do know and surrender to that which does.

As we are reading this week in NTI John, Chapter 10:

“I Am the way, and the thoughts that came before were not. You spent many years listening to the thoughts that came before Me, and they have given you nothing. I Am the way, because I Am the Light, and the Light is the way to Life. Open to Me. Listen to Me. Tune out all other voices by letting go of all other thoughts. The time has come to listen only unto the Light.

How is it that I Am known? I Am the Light, and so I carry with Me the characteristics of the Light and only the characteristics of the Light. You will not find fear in Me. You will find only Love. You will not find attack and war; you will find only peace. You will not find guilt or accusation; you will find only sweet forgiveness that sees that which is meaningless as meaningless and asks it to take on no meaning. You can trust My Voice, because you recognize it as yours, and you know it is yours. I Am the Light, the Light of which you are. We are one and the same, and you are Me. And so you know Me, and you recognize your desire to remember Me as all that you are.”

Gentle Healing Year 3 ~ Daily Contemplation #203

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Please read and contemplate quotes #669-670 in The Seven Steps to Awakening with your inner teacher. Here is the last quote:

I am that which is indivisible, which has no name nor change, which is beyond all concepts of unity and diversity, which is beyond measure and other than which naught else is. Here, O mind, I abandon you who are the source of sorrow.

Note: The next Daily Contemplation will be available tomorrow morning after 2am ET at this link.

Gentle Healing Year 1 ~ Lesson 188

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Lesson 188. The peace of God is shining in me now.

Our current goals:

  • Widen the horizons of our vision
  • Take direct approaches to uncover the blocks that keep our vision narrow
  • Lift those blocks, however briefly, in order to experience the sense of liberation that comes when the blocks are removed
  • Intensify our motivation for freedom

Why wait for enlightenment? Although some like Eckhart Tolle or Bryon Katie might have a big blow out awakening experience, many more of us are awakened or are awake on a moment to moment basis when our heart is open with the Love and Truth of us out pouring from us. As today’s lesson says, “Enlightenment is but a recognition, not a change at all.”

Perception gives way to vision once we start to look within. When we just step back and watch the mind as dispassionately as we can, we are training ourselves to be the witness to the ego’s fear based thoughts.

The thoughts you think with the thinking mind are not you or yours. We have just identified with them. They fade away and are undone when we withdraw ownership from them and withdraw focus on the outside world and our thoughts about the world. And with the relinquishment of fear based thoughts, we realize the truth and freedom that comes is an enlightened moment.

This relinquishment is facilitated with awareness-watching-awareness meditation. Today’s lesson says, “The light within you is sufficient. It alone has power to give the gift of sight to you. Exclude the outer world, and let your thoughts fly to the peace within. They know the way. For honest thoughts, untainted by the dream of worldly things outside yourself, become the holy messengers of God [Truth].”

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