Transcription from Sunday Service on December 8th, 2019 by Rev. Beverly Toporowski.

If it’s magic, if it’s important, if it’s precious.  Then It is important that I to tend to it.  I love this song, which is so pure and simple.  When I listen to this song, I can feel there are no choices to be made.  There is only one choice.  All the false choices and false needs just fall away.  Such a beautiful reminder of what is truly real.

I chose the reading from NTI Matthew Chapter 13 because it spoke to me of the nature of the journey to awakening. It speaks about how we must tirelessly lay ourselves aside.  Can I surrender my understanding or my perception, for what is real? There is absolutely no other choice.  I love how the choice is so clear and simple. No 10 steps to understanding, just one.  I love this simplicity.

 

All that I do, I do by choice.  This does not seem apparent if I am not abiding in the Self.  It would seem that outer influences are running everything, and that I am the victim of which direction the current is flowing.  Sinking deep within the unaffected Self allows us to see the current, which is not the Self.  If we understand this, we can choose.  No matter how many times I get swept up, I can reorient myself through the Self.  We are all vulnerable to the under-toe of illusion.  I have seen myself setting up the most ridiculous routines in my life, causing myself stress, whether it’s the hoops that I have to jump through to get through my day, or the obstacle course that I set up around getting my kids ready for their day—so much happening, none of it necessary.  ALL that I do, I do by choice. There is no exception.  That was one, that I had to sit with.  “ALL of it I do by choice?” I would ask myself.  Then I think back to how, as my children are moving into adolescence, in my opinion, there is never more me projected into my experience than at this time in their lives.  To quote myself exactly, “Put your retainer in you mouth”—thinking about all the money I spent.  “put deodorant on!”—not wanting them to be alienated “Put a coat on, its cold today!”—as I beg my daughter to wear a coat in 40-degree weather.  Or here’s a crazy one “If you don’t stop stretching the wire to your ear buds, you won’t be able to hear out of them!”  –all obviously crises!  Meanwhile, the false self is losing sleep!  Empty threats flying!  Not to mention that the “I am bad” belief makes it difficult hold any boundaries with consistency.  There is never a more crazy-making time in a parent’s life (in my opinion) as when your children are coming into adolescence. It is the epitome of letting go.  If there are levels to insanity, I think I hit them all!  I really had to look at myself.  I was reading some books about dealing with difficult scenarios with children.  And there was some wisdom.  It was called Natural Consequences—meaning let life be the teacher, of course barring anything that may cause harm. So—No head phones, no music; no coat, the cold is the teacher; no retainer, it’ll be what it will be.  The beauty is that sometimes everything is fine and life is teaching me too. So, when you’ve done all you can do—”Chop wood, carry water”—then there’s Natural Consequences.  The Zen saying is not “Chop, wood, carry water, and then get attached to the outcome”.  To me, Natural Consequences is another way of saying that awareness knows what it is doing.  I don’t have to control everything.  So, YES! The answer to my question is, ALL that I do, I do by choice.  And I can choose to leave the circus at any time.

What does it mean to lay myself aside?  To me this means to lay aside that self that is affected.  To lay aside that self to whom matter matters.   The One who has the gripe or complaint, the one who is in terror, the one who feels loss or even, the one who is deeply satisfied by current circumstances.  When I have not laid myself aside, it has been because I had a plan, or I feel that my idea of what is happening is true, or I feel that I know, and because I know, I have to carry out my insane plan, because not to, would be irresponsible, so my ego tells me.  I have made many regrettable choices along this line of thinking.  There is no understanding that can be had, unless I lay myself aside.  No matter how complex I may think something is, the answer is right here.  I need but clear the confusion to allow clarity to show itself.  I am viewing life through a defective lens—and all my choices are made from this faulty perception.  I remember when a family member was having some digestive issues, and it was beginning to worry me.  Me, being a doctor was throwing everything at it, creating even more confusion. The course I was taking was logical, and well thought out, but apparently not what was needed.  I then let it go.  I let go of the outcome, my fear, all of it.  I truly did lay myself aside—without expectation or motive.  Then it came to me without effort as I was sleeping, something so simple that in all my thinking, had not occurred to me.  And with its implementation, the illusion disappeared.  I say illusion, because there was never a problem.  “There is no one or no thing keeping us from our Self”.  Sometimes surrender will look different though. NTI Luke 9 that I happened to be reading the other day says—You will not be healed by the following ways that make sense to you.  Following what makes sense to you has brought you to the point of needing healing, and so it cannot be healing itself.  So, It is not always about relief from the perceived problem, but freedom is the gift, regardless.  What I sometimes hear is “stop seeking to fix your affairs.  Inherent in this seeking is, more affairs to fix.  It is not Truth you seek.  You seek to save your world.  You seek a temporary peace because you seek to solve the temporal.  Therefore, the solution is temporal also.”

 

Then it says in NTI, “not everyone you meet will be ready to make the choice that you have made.”  I have gotten hung up on this one, more times than I can count.  I have thought that everybody needs to be aligned with what I am doing for things to work.  I constantly have to remind myself that there is no other.  I can see myself bucking against the current, needing things to be different before I set myself aside.  To continue to have love and acceptance for what is, is most key.  Loving and accepting what is, means no judgment.  There are times when I can hear myself saying, “this is never going to work”—why would I say this?  Because I think I know.  My thoughts have already distracted me from my purpose.  I have already assigned meaning to everything and everyone.  Loving what is, is the alchemy that allows one to see clearly.   If I give up my confusion, then confusion will cease, if I give up my fear, then fear will cease, if I give up my solutions, then problems will cease—because none of these things are real.  But I am the only one that needs to lay myself aside.  The temptation to have everyone get on board with what I am choosing, is a trap.  There is only one choice and it is mine.  The idea of needing to get involved in what others are choosing, just creates a confusion and complexity that does not exist.

 

It is my choice that must be guarded—my choice to lay myself aside.  There is no other choice to be made.  No matter how many times I may forget, the choice that I must make never changes.  What I have found, though, is that the Ego tries to tell me that I am not worthy of even making the choice, because of the number of times that I have been distracted.  The ego sometimes seems to almost make light of my journey due to its inconsistency at times, but these too are distractions.  I cannot fall so far where surrender cannot return me immediately back to the Self.  The choice must be made Now, again and again.  The ego would say, “so just like that, you think you can just go back like nothing happened?”  and I now say, “Yup!” with the confidence and knowledge that this is so, because NOTHING is ever happening. The more I remember to make this choice, the more the choice makes itself.  I have found that when I am diligent with this practice, not only do I automatically start making the choice, but the distractions become more apparent and the return to Self occurs more quickly.  It becomes hard not to remember. The self-floggings start to disappear too.

The wonderful thing is that the choice is all that is needed as NTI says.  There is no effort past this one choice that is needed.  A plant does what it does when you water it.  If you remember to water it, it will grow.  If you are not ready for the meal that has been prepared for you, then earnestly seek the bread crumb.  The moment to moment choice that we make is the bread crumb.

The choice to release all thoughts that are not love is the task.  I have noticed that the most innocent, seemingly harmless false thoughts, can gain momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill.  All thoughts that are not love must not be allowed to linger and take root.  What we look for we will find.  I have looked at situations or people in my experience, and have allowed statements like “this is hopeless”,or, I’ve just had the negative sentiment of judgement without words.  It’s like a silent agreement based on past memory or experience.  The silent negative prophecy in my head.  That person or experience that has not changed, and feels like a fixture in my life, is sometimes held in place by the very thoughts that I think I think privately.  I judge with the usual ignorance that feels like truth.  I trust the law of probability which is grounded in illusion.  I use deductive reasoning, saying “well if it looks and quacks like a duck . . .then there you have it,” and these thoughts often go under the radar, unchecked.  I realize I cannot release only some parts of the script.  I have to release all the ways that I participate in this co-happening.  All thoughts that are not love must go.  Where am I putting my faith?  The choice must be pure, untainted by these subtle outlier thoughts that go unseen, and make our choice unclear, muddling the Truth.  I had the opportunity the other day, to lay myself aside, I was somewhat inflamed by the way a social worker in my office handled an elderly pt. There had been ongoing issues in the office regarding this social worker.  I felt myself gearing up for a rant and I then made the only choice.  I respectfully asked for what I needed for my patient from my office manager and then I put myself aside. I did not bad mouth the social worker but stated my patient’s needs.   It was at that time I made the choice to put myself aside, but something also was taking over me like a silence.  The silence was easy.  I felt no sense of repression or tongue biting, but just the wisdom to stay silent and at peace.  The rest truly was effortless.  Something was happening without effort.  There was the question of “What do you want?”  which was followed by the one choice to set myself aside, knowing that I could not possibly answer that question from a place of will.  It then became apparent that what I wanted was exactly what happened, Peace.

Sometimes, when I ask for help in setting myself aside and I receive it through guidance, I find myself looking at past choices that I have made, and the “I am bad” belief pops up out of nowhere.  I may see the consequences of the choices I have been making, or see the damage or hurt I have caused through past choosing, and I get stuck in self-judgment.  Though I am choosing a new path, there needs to be vigilance about old thoughts that can sabotage this new path with thoughts of guilt.  The Ego may say, “Look at what you did when you weren’t conscious!”  I cannot hide these thoughts from myself, as they are part of the house cleaning that I am doing. Guidance says:  Give them up, they are not yours to judge.  As the new choice you are making sheds light, accept the light, and shine it on every thought that rears its head.

 

In some areas of my life there would seem to be comfort within the false self, and it can be easy to just remain here, though it causes me pain. The more time spent in the Self, however, the less the false self feels like home. It starts to feel like anxiety, panic, restlessness, irritability . . .  As I look at the self that I have made.  There really are no comforts in it.  It is ever-changing, unpredictable, unreliable, unquenchable.  I no longer find comfort in it.  But my Inability to find comfort in it, is growth.  It is a result of watering the plant as often as I can remember—and the growth, no effort of my own.

 

The light within can be revealed with the simple choice to give up what we are not.  So precious have I made all these things.  These things that hold together the false self.  My journey, my wounds, my appearances, my status, my story. . .  The mystery of what I am, however, is so alluring at his point in my journey, that there is no more mystery left in the temporary—it comes, it goes—end of story.  What I am, can be revealed in my ability to free-fall into the choice to surrender all knowing.  I have thought, there is no wonder in the mundane life that I live.  Or, there are no miracles to be had here in this dysfunctional situation I find myself in.  But the depth and the possibilities for awakening are endless, right NOW!  In everything that I have judged as madness and a waste of time, who am I to say that God is not in it, when I know that all is in God.  This too is the trap of a “routine” life.  Just lay your judgement aside. “Chop wood, carry water” and AWAKEN if you dare.

An entry from Regina’s personal journal, written from Inner Wisdom on March 17, 2006.

The Reality of Relationships, part I:

Special relationships are those relationships that you have invited into your life through mutual attraction. They may seem to be highly conflicted mixed with love and happiness or they may seem to be purely highly conflicted. Either way, they are not what they seem to be. Either way, they are relationships of spiritual mutual attraction, which makes them especially useful to you.

When “two souls” come together through spiritual mutual attraction, it is because they recognize that they are one. Within the dream and from the ego’s point of view, they come together to help each other forget this fact.

“Two souls” are working together in Love to help each other forget that their purpose is the same. They play the game of forgetting by seeming to have separate wills, when they share a purpose to forget they are one. This is a shared purpose of delusion, but the purpose is shared. Thus, the Son of God cannot and does not have separate wills.

From the Holy Spirit’s perspective, the same thing is happening. “Two souls” as projected aspects of one mind are being used to express free will. Joined in purpose, each gives the other the experience he seeks. Everything is perfect as asked.

Where the ego’s perception and the Holy Spirit’s perception differ is in the interpretation of the reality of the game. To the ego, the oneness is forgotten and the reality is the separateness that is expressed. To the Holy Spirit, the expression is only that, and the reality is the power that expresses it.

Within your experience, an experience of conflict is the clashing of two wills. But in reality it is an agreement within one mind to practice what isn’t real.

Healing is a decision within the mind to reverse the game that is played. Instead of using imagined conflict to play a game of unreality, the perspective of healing uses “conflict” to remember the game isn’t real.

“Two souls” seem separate only within illusion, so that the illusion of separation may be played. When “one soul” recognizes illusion as illusion, the memory of Truth is shared. Illusion cannot stand in the Light of Truth.

From your perspective within the world, separation seems very real. Conflict seems frightening. But the mind is capable of remembering the Truth by choosing not to believe the false.

When your brothers seem to enter into conflict with you, remember that conflict is an agreed-to game to teach what isn’t true. Look at your brother and accept that he is you teaching that he is not. Let yourself feel grateful for the Truth beyond illusion. In gratitude, the illusion disappears.

As you are healed, so is your brother. Bless you for your willingness to look beyond the game. Whenever there seems to be conflict, it is because you are choosing to teach what isn’t true. Remembering the Truth eradicates conflict, as conflict isn’t possible in Truth.

The Reality of Relationships, part II:

Question from RDA: Holy Spirit, thank you for showing me the reality of relationships. I want to use these relationships that were formed for separation as a path for healing. How can I do that?

Inner Wisdom: Every relationship is a reflection of the mind. It is not a reflection of the individual mind, because the individual mind is illusion. It is a reflection of the unhealed ego mind. Every relationship within the world comes together as a reflection of the beliefs and pain that are in the mind. The relationships come together with the purpose of that mind, and they are a perfect reflection of its purpose.

To use the relationships that are made with the purpose of reinforcing separation . . . to use these relationships for healing, you must be willing to reverse the purpose that was given. You must be willing not to play the game you have agreed to play. You must be willing not to reinforce separation by believing in the conflict of wills.

When a brother comes to you and a “conflict” ensues, you must be willing to look in your mind. Do not look at form. It is playing out the agreement. The healing will occur in the mind.

Watch the conflict as it seems to play out. Do not expect it to change. Do not expect that your willingness to heal will result in the disappearance of conflict [in form]. But look at the conflict and accept it for what it is. It is a reflection of the purpose in the mind. Then decide right then, as you look right at it, that you choose a reversal of purpose. Instead of separation, you choose Truth. Hold that thought in your mind. Then as the conflict seems to continue, let it go right then as unreal. Everything you see, every thought you think, every desired reaction. Notice them, remember all that I’ve said, and let them wash away as unreal.

Remember Jesus as he stood before his accusers at the Sanhedrin. The accusers did not change their way. The experience was not seen as peaceful [in form]. But Jesus was at peace and Jesus was in Love, because Jesus knew in his mind that all that he saw and all he experienced was not Truth. It was unreal.

When you believe the conflict, you participate in it through thought. Watch your thoughts and do not participate out of faith that it isn’t real. This is how you use conflict to heal the mind. You let go of what isn’t, and accept what is. This is true forgiveness.

The Reality of Relationships, part III:

Question from RDA: I feel we are to continue our discussion on relationships. Tell me, if the “conflict” continues within the illusion of form, how is it that my brother is also healed as I let go of my belief in the experience?

Inner Wisdom: This is where it becomes important for you to separate illusion from reality within the mind. If you look at a brother and a situation of conflict and ask, “Why isn’t he being healed too,” you believe the illusion. You are expecting form to change. This expectation is the expectation of bringing truth to illusion. You need to bring illusion to truth.

You are not healed through a peaceful, easy life that denies the ego. You are healed by facing the ego and denying it. You deny it while it is rearing its ugly head. You look right at the imagined monster and say, “I know you are not real, and so I will not react to you as if you are.”

As long as the Son of God is unhealed, the ego will show itself in the world. But this is perfect for healing, because you can learn who you are by recognizing the ego’s inability to harm your Truth. As you learn this lesson, it is transmitted into the mind that you share. Every aspect of the mind at some level becomes aware that the ego is not real. Every aspect must accept the message with you, because every aspect is you. But until the message is accepted fully, the ego will still show up in the world.

Question from RDA: Please talk to me about Holy Relationships.

Inner Wisdom: All relationships are holy in the eyes of the Holy Spirit, because all relationships have the purpose of healing. All relationships become holy to you when you decide to share the Holy Spirit’s purpose. Some will continue to seem conflicted; these relationships are used to deny the reality of the ego. And some Holy Relationships will seem helpful; these are a means of hearing the Holy Spirit’s messages for you. But all relationships serve the same purpose. The only question is which purpose are you listening to?

Question from RDA: If love is giving my brother as he has asked, how am I loving him by giving peace when he seeks separation?

Inner Wisdom: Your brother will see what he asks to see until he decides to see differently. If he chooses separation, he will experience separation as he chooses. But you must also remember that your brother shares a mind with you, and this mind [now chooses] healing. So when you give your brother healing, you are giving him what he really wants. When he is ready to see it, he will.

You cannot violate your brother’s free will. Every action you take is an action of Love, as every action is based on shared purpose. Through the decision of one mind, that shared purpose is being reversed. In joining the reversal, you are joining with the purpose of now and extending Love as it is requested.

This message is from Regina’s personal journal. It is dated January 3, 2006.
RDA: Holy Spirit, sometimes it seems as if our love of A Course in Miracles and our desire to awaken separates us from the ones we love and live with. There seems to be a perception on their part and on ours that we ignore them in favor of Course-related activities. What would you share regarding this concern?

Spiritual Intuition: A Course in Miracles is a guide to Love, but the course is not Love Itself. Love comes from the awareness and acceptance of the Truth and Joy of Oneness.

RDA: When the ones we live with do not seem to share our desire to be aware of this truth . . . It seems that we have to choose between living in the world with them and consistently working on forgiving the world with You. What can you share with us?

Spiritual Intuition: Stillness holds the answer that you seek. When you feel torn between loved ones in the world and the Love of God, you have forgotten the peace of stillness. To feel torn between any seeming [set of] options is to view the situation through the ego, through the belief in separateness and separate wills.

RDA: Yes, that’s clear. But in the moments that I feel torn, separate wills do appear to be real. How can I let my perspective be changed?

Spiritual Intuition: Your answer is stillness. When you are experiencing through the ego, you are experiencing through the belief in separate wills. When you do this, separate wills seem very real indeed. There is no reason to deny that your experience is your experience. Such denial would be fear, and that would not be helpful.

When you seem faced with the experience of separate wills, know that you are having that experience because you are using the filter of the ego. Then, be willing to put the filter of the ego aside. Be completely willing to take your mind into silence. Let go of all thoughts that tell you that you know anything about the situation. Realize that any knowledge you think you have about the situation is “knowledge” that you learned through the ego. Therefore, its purpose is to support the ego. Then, remember your purpose and let all prior-learned knowledge go.

Let Me say that again: Let all prior-learned knowledge go. Notice that I did not make any exception in that statement.

When you have done this, your mind will be still. Then ask Me in complete humility, “What am I to do now?” The answer will come to you. You may also feel a strong temptation to doubt the answer that comes. The temptation to doubt comes from the belief that you are separate from Me. Do not listen to the temptation to doubt. Listen to what you heard first within the stillness. Give your faith and gratitude to that thought, for that is your answer.

RDA: This is truly great. Thank you. But, I have one more question. The work described above sounds like it will take time. Sometimes, I seem to need to make a decision very quickly. For example, I could have someone seeking help and expressing concerns to me on the phone while Jasmine is pulling on my arm and asking me to hang up and spend time with her. How do I find stillness among the hectic, pressure-filled noise?

Spiritual Intuition: Remember quickly that “hectic, pressure-filled noise” is a perception, and accept that it is nothing more than that. Then ask, “What is the answer now?” That will be enough. Trust the answer that comes. It is the best for everyone.

At the Satang and Sangha retreat, which was the second week of the 2019 Fall Retreat, retreat participants did a group exercise. In this exercise, the groups determined things they could do to increase their desire for awakening.

First, the groups contemplated Key Quotes on True Desire.

Next, they followed inspiration to develop these methods of increasing the desire for awakening:

Group 1:

Each morning, review and contemplate quotes from the handout, “Key Quotes on True Desire.” This handout has quotes from Michael Langford, Adyashanti, Sri Annamalai, Nisargadtta Maharaji, and NTI.

A few insights from the group’s contemplation of those quotes:

• Something early, every day.
• If it’s to be, it’s up to me: focus on trusting Spirit.
• I am being drawn by Spirit, to Spirit.
• I focus on being present, I really want to awaken.
• I strengthen desire by constant focus on desire.
• Be earnest, honest, and gentle with yourself.
• I’m starting right here; I focus on my willingness.
• Feel gratitude when looking back to see how guidance has worked in your life to bring you to this point.
• Seeing guidance in your life increases desire.
• If it comes into your mind to practice, stop and do it–even if it’s only 3-5 seconds.

Group 2:

DIFFICULT SITUATION Exercise

1. THINK OF A DIFFICULT SITUATION – recall it to your mind.
2. Feel the negative feeling associated with it; do not need to list qualities; just be with the anxiety or worry for a moment.
3. Ego-Imagination: Go into your mind, and think of the outcome that your MIND would like to have, that could include indulging in revenge, yelling, or any other form of typical human ego based response, and then contemplate the outcome between you and those involved, what would happen, and how you would feel.
4. Spirit-Imagination: Go into your mind, and image what an awakened person would do, and see yourself responding that way, with a still mind, resting in awareness, and see the outcome, and see how you would feel.

POEM

May I desire liberation
More than anything else;
May I desire this more than my breath
Or any specific outcome or desire

~ ~ ~

Devotion/Desire building –
Body Movement,
Spiritual Re-dedication

1. Left and right hands in front of your chest, palms facing chest, eyes closed.
2. Say your spiritual aspiration out loud or silently, extend your left hand down. For example,  extend your left hand down as you say, “I want to live with God/awareness every moment.”
3. Say outloud or silently – while extending the right hand down, “I will unconditionally attend to my aspiration.”
4. Bring both hands together in a prayer pose over the heart and say, “May I desire liberation above all else.”
5. Bow your head.

THE FIVE AND ONE – written exercise

1. On the left side of a piece of paper, list FIVE specific things – physical things, conditions or circumastances (one at a time) that make you feel happy.
2. To the right of each one, indicate about how LONG, in your opinion, that this would make you happy.
3. Take a moment to notice that these things are temporary and do not last.
4. Now go within and contemplate ONE thing that will make you permanently happy. Deeply reflect on that.

Group 3:

An Affirmation to the Universe

I am willing to see Surrender as the only way.
I make an uncompromising decision to surrender to my Higher Self. I take suffering, mine and my brothers’, to my Higher Self. I let my Higher Self create, build and sustain the desire necessary for my Awakening. I trust the everything that happens is for my Awakening, and for the highest and best good for all of humanity.

Group 4:

Visual and/or Tangible Techniques for Remembering and Increasing True Desire

Put gold or colored stars on a calendar each time I feel I’ve taken a step towards my true desire. For example, add a star on each day that I contemplate truth teachings or meditate.

Create a paper chain out of construction paper. A link gets added to the chain each time I feel I’ve taken a step towards my true desire. The step is written on the newly added link. For example, “Meditated for 1 hour.”

Sit in devotion each day while holding the paper chain.

Keep a gratitude journal. Write about the gifts that I receive as a result of my true desire. For example, “Today I spontaneously understood what was meant by the First Principle of God.”

Keep a true desire journal. Each evening, review my strengths, progress, and weaknesses from that day related to my true desire. This must be done non-judgmentally. The purpose is to keep my commitment or lack of commitment in awareness so I can consciously strengthen commitment.

Make a vision board with symbols that inspire my true desire.

Carry a stone or wear a bracelet that represents my true desire.

Bow in silent devotion daily.

Journal with the inner teacher each day to receive my daily bread.

Use a planner booklet to keep track of the steps I take each day that feel like an outer manifestation of my true desire. For example, “Today I meditated for 40 minutes & journaled about my upset.”

The Excellence Reporter is dubbed the “#1 most meaningful website on earth.” It contains over 1100 commentaries on the meaning of life by renowned spiritual leaders, mindfulness experts, great thinkers, authors, elders, artists, musicians, CEOs and more.

It’s contributors include:

Alan Watts, Amoda Maa, Albert Einstein, Byron Katie, Dalai Lama, Gary Renard, Jac O’Keeffe, Jack Kornfield, Maya Angelou, Mooji, Mother Teresa, Robert Adams, Steve Jobs, and many, many more.

The Excellence Reporter recently contacted Regina and asked her to write a 200-900 word essay on her contemplation of the question, “What is the meaning of life?” So, she did.

Read Regina’s Article on Excellence Reporter

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Reflections from the Retreat House
From the retreat about “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief”

The very first day of our retreat we went around the room sharing whatever we felt comfortable to share about how the ‘I am bad belief’ affected us. I was shocked to hear how we all felt fundamentally flawed. I could see the discomfort on everyone’s face as they shared, and how convinced we all are that somehow we are guilty for the many situations we find ourselves in. Some of the stories about health issues matched my experience almost verbatim. It was very helpful for me to see that I was not alone in my belief in guilt about my health. Other stories were different than mine but they all had the same underlying ‘I am bad belief’. There are no words to describe how eye opening this group sharing was for me. I had to be there and see for myself; no audios could have replaced the clarity that came up for me at that moment. It helped me realize at a much deeper level how we all have been carrying for years the same burden, ‘I am scum of the earth’ or some other damaging attribute.  On that very first day, I received more Aha moments than I had hoped to receive throughout the entire retreat. I felt this was a turning point in my life, and this was only day one.

The Two Evaluations:
Ego Evaluation:Another deep eye opener was when Regina asked us to interview the ego as the observer and ask ‘what it thought about each one of us’. I had never heard of that exercise before so I was a little skeptical that anything helpful could come out of it for me. Boy was I wrong! When I asked the question as the observer ‘what do you think about Francine, there was no hesitation…the ego blasted ‘Francine is boring.’ It became crystal clear to me that this perception had been running below the surface and affecting my life in many ways. When I shared the ego’s perception of me with the group, Regina’s and Jacquelyn’s expressions was worth a thousand words… They totally did not view me as boring. I replied, ‘how can you not see that I’m the most boring person on the planet?  The others in the group also did not share my perception of myself but since I have known Jacquelyn and Regina for a few years, there response to how I perceived myself was VERY impactful. Although I had been aware of this perception in my head, it felt like a new discovery. Again, this was huge for me. How could I have been so wrong about my perception of myself! I was beginning to gain more clarity on how believing ego thoughts is a complete lie and extremely damaging.

Holy Spirit’s Evaluation:Then we contemplated Holy Spirit’s assessment of me:  “You shine radiant with bliss, with peace, with sweetness and purity” by Yoga Vasistha. What a contrast between the ego’s and the Holy Spirit’s perception! How loving, how beautiful, how freeing it would be to know in my heart that Holy Spirit’s perception of me is the truth! I could feel the truth of it but I have a lot of work to do to cement it. This is a big one for me to work on, but it is also very exciting. So much resistance has falling away – at least for now.

Root Cause Inquiry:We had another exercise of journaling about our most disruptive ‘I am bad belief’.  The root cause revealed that ‘I am scum of the earth’, which is the root cause of many of my beliefs so that was not new. As I had experienced many times before, I felt stuck, and helpless to let it go so I asked Regina what to do. She told me to pray about it– Holy Spirit, how can I let go of this belief that I am ‘scum of the earth’? I’m willing to hear anything that you’ll share with me.’ It sounds so simple. Why didn’t I think of this myself? The ego hides our most helpful tools from us. I had a very healing contemplation of the ‘I am bad’ belief, and I feel more equipped to use prayer as a means to release my beliefs when I feel stuck.

Is Attack Possible?We talked about ‘Is attack possible’? The answer is No, attack is not possible. It’s all about what I am believing – never about truth. So when I am upset for any reason, ask ‘what am I believing about myself’? What I am believing is never the truth about myself so why be afraid to go there?Regina said to trust I am healing, trust the Holy Spirit is right and I am wrong about my feelings. Trust that I have never been bad. A belief says “I am right’, it’s a fact; trust it is wrong. At some point you’ll see you made this up. Trusting you’re wrong will carry you through it even if it’s not 100% trust.  Jacquelyn had a wonderful, very clear homily on this topic at the 8-18-19 gathering: “Believing is Seeing”. This trust and clarity I had during the retreat made root cause inquiry enjoyable because I knew I was letting go of being trapped.

There are countless gems we received during the retreat. I went home feeling so light, like a big weight had been lifted. That feeling of being light weight has dimmed but one thing is for sure, I remember the sharing, and the ‘Aha moments, and I continue to feel optimistic that I can let go of the ‘I am bad belief’.  We were reminded of so many tools: Rest, Accept and Trust and self-coaching when the mind goes crazy, and journaling when the ego hides our beliefs. Regina shared examples from her journal, as well as handouts about many teachings she received from Spirit.

If it weren’t for the shared retreat with my Awakening-Together friends, I would not have received the experience and clarity about how flawed my thinking is. It was absolutely necessary for me to attend this retreat, and I am so grateful I did. Now I really have something to work with. The tools are more obvious and there is less resistance. Yippee!

I’m also grateful for our great cook, Shiryl Kaplan who is always so welcoming. She has a genuine interest in each one of us and goes out of her way to be helpful.

Thank you Regina and everyone for making this retreat such a success for me.

Love to All,
Francine

Reflections from the Retreat House
by Isadora Karcher

When I received the notice that there was to be a retreat around the subject of releasing the sense of guilt, unworthiness, or the idea that “I am bad”, I was struck immediately that I HAD to go to this. And thank goodness I listened to this guidance because it was the most profound, helpful workshop I have ever attended, and believe me, I have attended a few over the years! I brought home a ton of notes, a definite deepening of teachings already somewhat in place, and at least one “aha” that cemented into my consciousness some very important news!

I think there were at least two factors at play as to why this workshop rang my chimes the way that it did. For one thing, Regina teaches and articulates from a clearness and “no bs” stance that is so refreshing. Not only does she have a huge library of information stored in her brain and heart, but she presents information with examples, humor, love, and the benefit of having “been there, done that”. I loved the down-to-earth feeling of the retreat…just no pretentiousness, no bs, and lots of friendship.

Also, I was so ready, so very ready, to be well on my way with being done with guilt! (How does that saying go, something about when a student is ready a teacher will appear?) I had gone through what my mentor called a “light infusion” last fall, and I enjoyed several months of being free of guilt, and then it started creeping back in, aaaaaargh! So perhaps you can understand why I jumped on this retreat!

Let me try to summarize the important things I brought home from La Veta.

The biggest “aha” was so simple, but isn’t that the way they usually go? The group was covering the ways we felt guilty, and one of the participants said that she felt like she was boring at a group dinner because she had not spoken much. And the answer from Regina was so simple, but impacted me very deeply; “If God had wanted you to speak God would have put words put in your mouth” . Wow. I mean, I have had such a hard time getting that God and I are one, and what I am doing and saying is what the Creator is doing and saying. Boy, does this fly in the face of what I have been taught, growing up in a country that is largely Christian, and believing that God is good and that I am bad. Wow. Also, learning that love is behind the motivation of ego was huge as well. For a long time I have sought for ways to NOT make ego into the bad guy, and bingo, this was the answer!

I think the other big takeaways are the technique of “neutral narrative” and learning where the ” I am bad” belief comes from. The neutral narrative is where one simply recounts the triggering event from neutral wording, no feelings or evaluations, just a statement of what happened. I got to use this technique even before I left the retreat house around a miscommunication, and it works like a charm! Also, it is so helpful to learn how we build the “I am bad belief.” We do this by:

1. Judging ourselves and others
2. Defending ourselves
3. Judging/attacking others
4. Lying to self/others
5. Wanting the situation to be different than it is
6. Justifying yourself
7. Believing the concrete “proof” that I am bad

Oh goodness, I could go on for forever. I have transcribed my notes, if anyone would like a copy of them I would be delighted to send them to you, just shoot me an email at thesweetnow@cruzio.com and I will get right with you! But I HIGHLY recommend attending this workshop the next time it is offered, it is the bomb. And let’s not forget one detail, the food is to die for, Shiryl is an amazing cook!

Note: Isadora attend the “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief” Retreat at the Awakening Together Retreat House in August 2019. Since attending the retreat, she has decided to move to La Veta. We look forward to embracing Isadora as one of our new La Veta neighbors when she arrives in October.

Everything we learn here at Awakening Together, and elsewhere in the spiritual writings and teachings we come across, there is an emphasis on the Oneness of everything. And it is this Oneness that we seek as we have come to recognize our sense in separation from each other and what we think of as our Creator or God. What we may not realize during this looking within for the Oneness that eludes us is that we create a bubble existence about us and look out at the non-seekers as them and us. Even those who seem to be on a common path with us we judge because we see their methods, their practices, as weak and unauthentic. And then there are the ones we see as wrong and possibly evil. Let me explain.

At my current level of understanding I find myself returning to A Course in Miracles as my primary guide to awakening. Even though I have not publicly participated in the Gentle Healing Groups this go around, I have been following on a daily basis the Gentle Healing Year 1. I have been somewhat stunned at how different these early lessons appear to me given that I first studied them in 2003, and peripherally since then. But to go at them as a daily exercise I find them as though I had barley read them before. Some of the lessons I have stayed with for numerous days even as the group moved on because I saw in them a great resistance to what they were saying to me and what they were telling me to do. And we all know what resistance means. It is time to take a look at what is going on and why the resistance. We are now at a teaching and learning moment on our way to awakening.

Lesson 121 gob smacked me because the person who came to mind that I hated the most and the person I admired a lot could not possibly be reconciled as One and the same. The lesson suggest that we envision a picture of this person we hate the most and imagine a spark or ray of light coming from his or her picture. All I could see was this smirk or arrogance coming at me from the picture in my mind and there was no way I would ever see a spark of light coming out of that picture. Below I will share with you my contemplation of why this was such a prevalent position that I held.

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Impossible! Yet if I allow that he too is something other than what he appears to be, just like me, and that I have within the Holy Spirit as my guide, then he too is the same. So, if I accept this as true, what is holding me back from seeing some light or a little spark shining through his picture?

Am I truly afraid of the light? Something is not clicking. This is not working for me.

He is a person – just like me

He can awaken – just like me.

He can hate – just like me.

He can be afraid – just like me.

I hate him because I am afraid of him and his actions. If I allow myself to see the light in him, I am tacitly agreeing with him and his ways. I am afraid I will become like him. I am pure and he is tainted, and I have to protect myself from him.

I am right and he is wrong.

He is doing the best he can and the only way he knows how.

He is acting and making decisions from fear.

I don’t want to give him any room to improve in my eyes.

I want to keep him evil.

He must stay evil and wrong.

I need him to stay evil.

If he makes a turn for the better, it is bad for me.

I will lose something he if he loses is evil.

His evil is my perception of him.

Perceptions are made up and accepted as real.

If I begin to see the light in him that means I am letting go my perception of him. If I let go my perception of him, I am giving something up, I am losing some part of me. And giving up my perception of him is giving him something he does not deserve.

All he does is take and I am not going to give him anything.

I feel to give him something I am losing something.

If I give him something, I will be losing my hate for him, and if my hate for him goes away I become exposed and vulnerable.

If I let go my hate for him I will be in grave danger.

I need to hate him!

I must hate him!

I must be angry at him!

He is a dangerous man.

He is a threat to my existence.

I am in deep fear.

Who is this I that is in deep fear?

Who is this I that hates?

__________

This is where I ended my contemplation. Even though I had minor hits of recognition I still had not come to an understanding of why I had to maintain my opinion of him. And then this morning as I listened to the recording of Regina’s discussion regarding Dr. Jeffery Martin’s interview the full realization of my standing hit me. The discussion between the group and Regina led to the subject of fundamentalism and how religions come to a grinding halt as they plateau. They create doctrines and rituals and begin to isolate themselves from others by believing ‘their way’ is the only way. It is not long after that they find themselves in conflict to defend and protect themselves from the heathen at their door.

As I was walking my dog later on it hit me that I was doing the same thing. This person I hate is doing nothing more than what I am in that he is attempting to find Oneness, as is every religion, political party, government, country, race, and even the scout program that appears to be a wholesome endeavor. All are attempting to return to Oneness by presenting their beliefs to the world and hoping to gather in enough people to create a global critical mass that becomes One.

My endeavor was obviously flawed as I maintained the separation all the while believing that Oneness was what I wanted. When I saw this I suddenly saw that he was doing the same and my feelings toward him made a monumental shift within and I no longer saw him in the same way. I saw the spark I refused to see and recognized his methods that I disagreed with and appeared as wrong, destructive and evil, were nothing but calls for Love and Oneness.

My bubble (balloon) popped and I felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. I give full recognition to the Holy Spirit within helping me see this, for this is what I asked of Him yesterday as I knew I could not see this from the perspective of my ego.

Hal Seeley is an Awakening Together minister and will become Awakening Together’s new Chairman of the Board on July 21, 2019.

In a recent Guest Satsang interview, Dr. Jeffrey Martin mentioned that those who experience fundamental wellbeing at location 4 or above do not feel the emotion of love. This concerned some members of Awakening Together. Some members said all they want is love and they aren’t interested in enlightenment if love is absent from enlightenment.

This begs the question, “What is love?” and “Do the enlightened know love or leave it behind?”

This past Wednesday, Regina and Jacquelyn explored these questions in the Sanctuary. If these questions are interesting to you, we recommend listening to the following audios. Each audio is 1 hour in length.

The Tao & Enlightened Leadership ~ Lesson 20: What is Love?

As It Is ~ Undoing the Ties That Bind

You may also be interested in watching a demonstration of enlightened love in this unofficial Beatles video, The Fool on the Hill:

After hearing that Shawna lost her home in the recent wildfire that destroyed most of Paradise, California, Regina wrote to Shawna asking about her experience. This is Shawna’s answer to that question.

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Thank you for your interest in how I’m experiencing the fire. First I want to set up the situation because I was so blessed and taken care of by Grace. I was in Sebastopol, CA (Sonoma county) 3 hours away from Paradise when the fire started Nov. 8. I was pet sitting.  So I didn’t experience the evacuation. I fall to my knees in gratitude when I think of it.

I first heard about the fire when I turned on the phone at 9:00am. I usually wait until after meditation and homework for Gentle healing to turn on the phone. I immediately got an alert to evacuate.  After determining the alert wasn’t local, I noticed texts from friends in Paradise, telling me to get out now. I felt great fear for my friends.  I looked up a few websites and grew very concerned.  I stopped, took  a few deep breaths and turned towards the Peace that is ever Present. This shift allowed me to flow from this place of Peace  even as I cried, felt worry and helplessness arise. A friend called and we cried.  I returned to Peace. I went to a friend’s house to go for a walk and I cried, but returned to Peace.  I held everyone in the Light and saw them as Perfect. I couldn’t see the fire as perfect.

As I recieved more texts and calls from concerned friends, I handled each one as it arose in the moment with Presence and concern for them. It was interesting to watch how each person had their own interpretation, their own reaction and expectations.  I also noted a discomfort in me around accepting the offers of help. I’m usually the one giving. I actually don’t need much, so I gratefully declined most offers. In fact, because I had a lot of my stuff with me, including most of my personal files, I didn’t think about my stuff in the house until much later. My concern was about the safety of  people, animals and my beloved forest! My heart hurt thinking of the suffering that was and continues now.

I noticed my ego loved the drama and attention.  I watched the news for several days, then quit. I don’t have TV, radio or internet and the cell service is poor here, so I’m pretty insulated from the news now. I noticed the incredible level of fear from my friends here, in Sonoma county. They went thru a very destructive fire a year ago. The smoke from Paradise really freaked people out here. The air quality is still very dangerous here! People here are also very empathetic because of their experiences last year. So much love and offers of whatever I needed.  it was/is touching and overwhelming.  I cried a few times just from the generosity shown!

I moved into Joy at just being alive! I felt a deep, devotional gratitude in my Heart. I felt I needed to tone down the joy because of the suffering of so many people. Our whole little community was gone! I was told stories of great bravery to help others evacuate from folks I knew. I appreciate the strength we can show when extreme situations call for it. I noticed again my ego getting caught up in all the stories.  It was overwhelming.  But I returned  my focus, over & over to our practice of AWA, the reading, tips, contemplation and journaling.  I meditated most days.  I let resistance keep me from meditation more than was best for me.

There is an incredible amount of crap to do to rebuild ones life. But It helped to remember how you handle being so busy: stay focused on Awareness and do what’s in front of you to the best of your ability. I still have moments of great sadness.  I allow myself to fully experience them. I also have times of incredible Joy at how Life is unfolding.  There are any great miracles happening.  This experience has increased my desire to Awaken!  NTI Revelation, your Clarity  and Inner Guidance  has increased the desire for Awakening!

With love, Shawna

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Shawna is an Awakening Together member who is in Gentle Healing. She completed MPP, and chose not to be ordained. She shares in the Sanctuary on Tuesday evenings at 9:30pm ET.